My Shame or My Heart?
by Alchemea19
Summary: Somewhat AU. Spence and Derek have been dating for a year but Spencer's fear of being touched is causing a riff in their relationship. And after a sexual assault by a friend, the riff becomes bigger when Reid refuses to tell the truth about what happened. Now Reid must choose from keeping his shame hidden forever or risk never being with Morgan again.


Chapter 1

Some people just didn't understand him.

But to Derek Morgan, Spencer Reid was the most amazing person in the world.

The two FBI agents had been together for several months and it didn't take long for Derek to find out just how amazing Spencer was and he never expected just how much he'd grow to love the quirky genius.

He'd love the way Reid laughed when someone made a taunt towards Derek. He loved the way Reid's lips would get pouty whenever Derek made a taunt towards Spencer. He loved the way Reid would ramble of facts but then completely naïve about social cues or romantic relationships. But there was one quirk that Derek never truly understood and probably the only quirk that really bothered him. And that quirk was going to show itself dramatically tonight.

He'd hoped that tonight would be a momentous occasion within their relationship. It was the marking of the first year they had spent together, happily in love. Derek had made spaghetti while Spencer went to drop Henry back to JJ. He was just finishing setting the table and putting out Spencer's favorite wine, when the BAU'S resident genius yelled that he had made it safely back home.

Derek hurriedly filled the wine bottles and sat down opposite an empty chair. He knew exactly how cheesy an Italian dinner under candle light was but it was Rossi's famous recipe and he hope the cheesy candles would be balanced out by the expensive but delicious wine.

He was also hoping that he wine would help his anxiety about what he had planned to ask Reid about. He was going to ask Reid if they could remove the board that layed between them in their bed. It had all been a part of Reid's quirk that irritated Derek; his phobia of being touched by others.

At six months, Reid had finally admitted to Derek that yes he indeed had Asperger's syndrome and one of the symptoms that came with it was not enjoying the feeling of others touching him. Derek had felt honored that Reid had told him that, even if it did come after a disturbing reaction to hand holding. He had also admitted that there was a more painful reason that he didn't like to be touched.

"_One time, I was having a wonderful day with my mom. She was completely lucid and had read to me for hours. But when I went to give her a hug she suddenly became paranoid again and hit me across the face knocking me down. She didn't hit hard but I cried from knowing that SHE had been the one to hit me and not some schoolyard bully. I knew it was just her illness messing with her brain but it still never took the sting out of that incident. So, I vowed to never let someone touch me no matter how much I cared for them and how much they cared for me."_

Derek had respected Reid's quirk rather well and never tried to touch him or do anything until Spencer gave any indication he was ready. Morgan was the first one to get a hug from Reid and he was stunned when Reid had given Hotch a hug after he had been found at Tobias' cabin.

But when six months came around, Spencer and Derek had agreed to move in together and Derek really felt that he was getting through Spencer's intimate walls. But the first night they were supposed to sleep next to one another Reid had been uneasy with the idea. Derek promised nothing horrible was going to happen and that he wouldn't touch Spencer. Finally the two settled into a bed for some sleep. Several hours later, Derek was startled awake and learned that he had rolled over on top of Reid. The young man was panicking and it took several tedious moments to get him to stop freaking out.

After that, Derek had come home to sharing a bed with Reid…a two by four the length of their bed. Derek wondered where in the hell Spencer had found that thing and he tried to get Reid to remove. Reid wouldn't budge; his only compromise was for one of them to move onto the couch out in the living room or in the guest bedroom across the hall. Derek didn't want the board anywhere near him but he also wasn't too fond of the idea of never getting to have Spencer near him either. So, rather reluctantly, he agreed.

Now, marking their first year anniversary Derek was going to ask for Reid to remove it again. He hoped he would. They had been together for all this time and Spencer had never once acted as if he didn't trust his partner. He just wanted to be able to feel Reid sleeping close to him again.

Derek was anxious but the paranoia wasn't taken over completely. True, they weren't sleeping next to one another but Reid had let his guard down a little bit already. Reid had been the one to initiate hold contact seven months ago and had surprised Derek with a morning kiss before leaving early for a consultation. Morgan was satisfied with the slow progress; he was just hoping that asking this awkward question wouldn't backtrack everything.

"Derek, what is all this?" Reid asked, a smile growing on his face. Derek smiled back waved at Reid to sit down.

"You remember what happened a year from today don't you?"

"Of course," Reid replied, his eyes glazing over, remembering in full detail the memory of the first time him and Derek had actually admitted to one another that they were in love with other and had agree to be boyfriends.

"Well, this is honor that. It's a wonderful year, pretty boy. I remember my life before, and I don't know why I thought I was happy before you were mine," Derek lectured. Reid blushed and nodded. He knew he should say something, but he was never good a mushy, emotional moments. Facts and statistics didn't make his stomach jump in ten thousand circles.

Derek raised his glass and smiled at Spencer. Spencer mimicked him and the two men toasted for another happy year together.

After taking a sip of wine, they both dug into the spaghetti the air suddenly taking an awkward turn. Spencer felt like Derek was going to ask him something and he was hoping it wasn't marriage. How could they get married when Spencer was still to nervous to have sex or let Derek see him naked? Finally, Derek cleared his thoart and began his task.

"Spencer, we've been dating for a year now. Could we…God, this isn't easy. Could we move the board?" Derek asked, his eyes finally meeting Spencer's. The young genius stared, almost with a look of horrid before dropping his head. Suddenly, their faux stainless steel silverware was the most interesting thing on the planet. Thousands of bizarre facts about silverware usage in the U.S. ran rampantly threw his mind. He blinked them back, realizing he had to give Derek an answer even if it wasn't the answer the other man wanted.

"No," Spencer whispered.

"What?" Derek could barely make out the word Spencer had said.

"I said 'no', Derek. I can't…I won't remove the board," Spencer said his eyes unconsciously becoming hard orbs in his face.

"Spencer! It's been months! Don't you trust me?" Derek asked, he voice gaining some volume that he wished wasn't there. But he just couldn't help it. It felt hurt that Reid would rather have a board separating them than having Derek even inches away from him. They were in love! How could Spencer not see that?

"It isn't about trust, Derek. I just don't like to be touched and I am going to need some time," Spencer replied, his voice also raising in volume.

"Spencer it's not like I am asking you to sleep with me".

"Is that what you want? To sleep with me?"

"What?!" Derek asked, taken aback. The thought had never crossed his mind. He could barely get the man to wear a swimsuit around him or kiss him goodnight!

"Are you mad because I am not just jumping into bed with you as soon as possible? Is that it?! Are you mad because I can't just be normal and let you touch and show me psychically how much you care?" Spencer screamed back. He shoved himself away from the table and stormed out of the kitchen.

Derek sat there completely stunned. It didn't take a profiler to realize what Reid was doing and in some ways it hurt Derek. Reid was trying to push Derek away because of his guilt that he couldn't psychically take care of Derek's needs, even something as mundane as a kiss. Derek took one more sip of wine and walked into the couple's living room.

He found Reid, slouched over on the couch sobbing. He sat next to his lover and asked bought his face up to face his.

"I'm sorry," Reid began, "I don't want you to leave and sometimes I feel like you want to because how much this bothers me but I just can't move it. I don't know why, I just can't handle it when people touch me. I start to panic and I feel like I am wounded up and ready to explode. And know that rationally it doesn't make sense. I mean the average human contact for a person is…."

"I understand," Morgan interrupted.

"You what?"

"I understand. When Carl did those things to me I didn't even want my sisters or momma touching me. Part of it was due to the fact that I thought it was my fault and I felt disgusting. Another part of me, as irrational as it may be, was afraid that if I let someone that close they'd hurt me again the same way he did. It took me time. It taught me to be patient and when you told me about this…well, I knew it wouldn't matter. Pretty boy, I love you. Really I do. And nothing that you do is ever, EVER going to make me leave you. And I will never force you to do something until you are ready? Not matter how hot and bothered you get me," Derek replied, winking at this last part of his speech. Reid chuckled for a bit than his face turned sour again.

"I don't have a reason to be this way. You do," Reid said, gravely.

"Yes you do. You had the incident with your mom, who we both know you trust her more than anything in the world, and you have you syndrome. You can't help how you are any more than I can. Got it? Now, let's go eat".

The rest of the evening was filled with nonsense and laughter. They talked about how much the other meant to them and by the end of the dinner both were tipsy and full on wine and pasta. Derek, the more sober of the two, helped his pretty boy up the stairs to their bedroom. Reid made a dash for his PJs before stumbling into their bathroom.

By the time he had emerged, Derek was down to his boxers and already on his side of the board. Reid crawled onto to his side, leaned over the board and kissed his boyfriend good night.

_At least I still have that, _Derek thought before painfully smacking his elbow on the board and cursing to high heaven.


End file.
